Advanced Colonics of Orange County
Your Cart is Empty
There was an error with PayPalClick here to try again
Thank you for your business!You should be receiving an order confirmation from Paypal shortly.Exit Shopping Cart
|Posted on November 20, 2017 at 4:06 PM||comments (5)|
Dear POOP NERD,
My head feel like it's filled with cement...and it throbs alot. Why is this happening? Is there any way to get rid of chronic headaches, or am I just doomed?
Not getting a head.
One of the causes of a headache is dehydration.
A dehydration headache may occur after sweating when the body loses essential fluids to function properly. ... When the body is dehydrated, the brain can temporarily contract or shrink from fluid loss. This mechanism causes the brain to pull away from the skull, causing pain and resulting in a dehydration headache.
If you're drinking plenty of water and not absorbing it--meaning if most of that water you're drinking is going right out the door. (using the restroom alot) then there might be mucous in your colon, which creates a barrier on the walls of the intestine that prevents you from absorbing all the water you drink. Some people get diagnosed with something called "Mal-Absorption"
Colonics can help remove mucous from your intestines and rehydrate the organ tissue.
There are other causes of headaches, which are compressed discs, or toxic overloads. Ground zero is getting colonics. Start with that, then you can see a good chiropractor and a naturopathic doctor to identify and treat the root causes of symptoms.
|Posted on November 28, 2016 at 12:48 AM||comments (0)|
Dear Happy Crapper,
Lately, whenever I eat, my stomach pops out like a balloon and it’s super uncomfortable. I can’t figure out why I get bloated. How does it happen, and is there any way I can make it stop?
Bummed and Bloated
Feeling bloated really sucks, and it’s frustrating that no one seems to know how it happens. The TWO biggest things that cause stomach bloating are:
2- Eating Bread
The organ tissue in your digestive system should be 70% water. If that tissue goes below 70%, the valves that attach your stomach and intestines don’t pop open enough, and pressure builds up in your guts and gets trapped there. Big air pockets literally are trapped in your colon, and it makes your stomach blow up. It feels uncomfortable because there’s pressure in there that can’t get out. You can’t burp and you can’t pass gas.
Unfortunately there is no shortcut to getting hydrated. A colonic works best. It’s the fastest and most economical way for the organ tissue to absorb water. You can also go to IV clinic, where they hook a liter of saline water up to your veins. The IV process is very expensive, and often costs as much as $200 per treatment. Drinking water often doesn’t solve the entire problem. If you have mucous in your colon, you wont absorb much of the water your drinking. It will feel like its “going right through you” and yu’ll just urinate shortly after your drink. A colonic removes mucous from the walls of the colon and helps improve absorption.
It’s delicious but most of the bread made in the USA is undigestable. The flour contains an undigestable chemical called AZODICARBONAMIDE. This is a chemical that makes flour more elastic. It is also used to manufacture the rubber used to make yoga mats. Your digestive juices simply do not recognize this chemical (and many other chemicals) as food, and it doesn’t break down in your guts. When chemicals cant break down in your body, pressure build up in your intestines. Azodicarbonimide is BANNED in EUROPE and AUSTRALIA. Since this chemical is part of the flour making process, it is not always listed on food labels. It’s also in most products that are made with white flour, including PASTA, COOKIES, BAGELS, CEREAL, CRACKERS, MUFFINS, and PASTRIES.
If you get bloating after eating bread or a product made of flour, take digestive enzymes. They will help break down some of that “yoga mat rubber” in your guts. There’s all kinds of enzyme formulas out there. Make sure you get the kind that’s formulated to break down carbs.
Take enzymes for a week, and follow up with a colonic or two. Your guts will not be able to deal well with anything that’s not a plant or an animal. That includes chemicals in fast food, packaged food, recreational drugs, prescription drugs, and especially pain relief meds.
|Posted on July 3, 2016 at 2:05 AM||comments (0)|
Dear Poop Nerd,
I have come to the horrible realization that I have really fowl smelling breath. I began to notice that people I'm talking to politely cover their nose. Whenever I get close to little kids, they run screaming "yukky!!!" and my best friend tells me that my breath smells like ass. Could it literally smell like ass?? As in--is there something evil lurking in my gut that is putrifying inside me? How does this happen? Some people have told me that if you remove all the old gunk from your colon that your breath smells way better and healthier. Is that true? If not, how do I get my mouth smelling more like a meadow of flowers and less like Newark, New Jersey? (Newark smells pretty bad...if you've ever been there)
Dear Potty Mouth,
I'm sorry to hear your breath is so bad it's scaring the kids. The good news is that there is a way to get rid of those offensive fumes. The cause of bad breath is a toxic overload of bacteria. Let's face it, any food particles that haven't made it out of your mouth and gut (the main locations where food enters and exists) will get stinky. The best thing you can do to keep your breath smelling sweet and healthy is by getting your teeth professionally cleaned at the dentist to remove plaque *the nasty smelling stuff out of your mouth and getting a colonic from a qualified professional colon hydrotherapist who can detox your large intestine until all those waste particles that linger in the deep pockets and recesses of your colon are out. Ideally the best thing you can do for yourself to prevent toxic overload (impacted waste that enters into your blood from your colon) is to get a colonic every three months if possible, and get your teeth cleaned. A simple "maintenence" tune up four times a year keeps you healthy and hydrated and not smelling like you've been chewing on dirty gym socks. Sorry to be gross, but strangely enough, the average person has about 12 pounds of old poop particles in their colon. Just because you poop every day, doesn't mean that EVERYTHING came out of you. It's like anything else, there's always a little bit left behind--no pun inteneded. More and more people are noticing they feel better, look better and smell better after removing excess bacteria from their mouth and colon. I also recommend what's called "oil pulling" which is swishing some coconut oil around in your mouth for about ten minutes, then rinse it out before you brush your teeth. And yes, intestinal plaque in your colon can cause bad breath even if your teeth are cleaned.
The Happy Crapper.
|Posted on August 21, 2015 at 2:50 PM||comments (0)|
Dear Poop Nerd,
Sometimes I eat a few bites of food and my stomach blow up. It sticks out and gets rock hard, and it grosses me out. My gut bulges out of the top of my pants and if I try to squash it down with a spanks type under gear (the kind that smashes your gut bulge down so it doesn't jiggle under your clothes) -- it hurts crazy bad. If I wear wet suit surfing, I look like a penguin that ate a sea lion. Would a colonic help deflate my balloon gut?
Blown Outta Proportion
My first answer to your question is yes, colonics can help flatten your stomach. But before you start yelling woop! woop! and toss your spanks into the Goodwill donation bag, you need to find out what is causing the blow up in the first place. The most common cuase of a gut blow up is pressure building up in the colon that can't release due to organ tissue dehydration and plaque in the colon. There are also valves in your digestive tract. If the organ tissue these values are made of are dehydrated, they just won't open enough and all this pressue builds up. If this was the cause, during your colonic, you would see huge air pockets released, and the stomach feels softer and starts to deflate.
Acid stomach: If you're the type of person who eats acidy foods like lots of sugar, carbs, or you drink alot of coffee, beer and liquor, the organ tissues in your gut start swelling from inflammation. One colonic will not be the miracle cure if you've been stress eating or just living the good life consuming alot of these acidy foods. You may need a series of treatments because inflammation recedes gradually. Your stomach will gradually deflate, and you have to be patient.If you don't see instant results, don't give up and suck down a Meat Lover's Special Pizza from Pizza Hut. Just be patient with yourself. Even though your stomach seems like it suddenly blew up, it actually took time for your system to go way out of balance to the point where it just seems like it happened instantly. The condition of the digestive system gradually starts to change when the colon gets an acid buildup, which then causes mucus to form on the walls of the colon, which then blocks absorption and dramatically reduces the amount of water and nutrients you can absorb. You body starts getting out of balance till it reaches a point where its WAY out of BALANCE, and thats where you can suddenly look like a penguin who ate a sea lion.
I hope this helps your dilemma. If you're patient and trust the process, your stomach will eventually become flatter.
The Happy Crapper
|Posted on January 27, 2015 at 7:51 PM||comments (741)|
Dear Poop Nerd,
Lately I've heard that people actually put coffee in their colon. What's up with that? I like my Starbucks latte's...but never once have I thought of having coffee of any kind injected into my butt. Can you tell me why this is such a popular practice?
For many years, many people have asked me if coffee enemas are good for liver detoxing. My answer is this: I would not recommend including BLACK coffee into a colonic OR doing it at home with an enema because black coffee is highly acidic and it will irritate the organ tissues. Then you would need another coffee enema to recover from the dehydrating side effects of the previous one. So people tend to get "hooked" on them. But there is one type of coffee enema that doctors who practice integrative medicine recommend, which is organic BLONDE coffee. The beans are not roasted to the point of creating the type of acidity that irritates the colon. The reason why blonde coffee enemas are popular, is because they activate the colon, which helps the liver dump out excess toxins stored when the liver is weak. So if you do feel adventurous and want to try this added to your colonic, or do it yourself with an enema kit at home, make sure it's organic blonde coffee from Canada. There is one type that integrative doctors recommend and is also the prefered coffee used by The Gerson Institute which treats patients with illnesses using natural method of healing.
The brand name of the coffee exclusively for coffee enemas is: S.A. Wilson's fine grind Organic Coffee. You'll have a nice colon and liver detox experience without the acidy irritation.
The only downside is that you can't order one at Starbucks.
|Posted on September 11, 2014 at 2:45 AM||comments (0)|
Dear Poop Nerd,
I'm shopping around for colonics and I heard there's two kinds of colonics. Are they all the same? There are different prices for different kinds. I'm sorta confused. What's your opinion on how I can chose the best ones for my bloating and constpation?
Not all colonics are the same. You'd think there would be some sort of definition to seperate the two types, but it's like calling every kind of transportation that has wheels a "VEHICLE" --whether it's a limo or a moped.
Here's the break down:
The OPEN SYSTEM Colonic is the MOPED. You lay on this weird shaped basin-like bed and a skinny tube goes into your butt. It's supposed to fill up your colon with water, then you have to push out the poop. I have two words for an open system: "Exhausting" and "EEEEEWWWW!"
I'm the germ-phobic type, so the idea of pushing out waste and having poop-tinged water splashing around gives me the creepy crawlies. First of all, how many people have been pooping in that basin you're butt is aimed at, and how sanitary is that? Forcing out waste aggrivates hemmeroids and can irritate the organ tissues of the colon. The water is high pressure and hard to tolerate. I call this system an "expensive enema". These sessions cost anywhere from $60 to $100 and you're lucky if they clean out more than 6 inches of an organ thats 5 feet long. Sure, you might feel some relief, but it's a rough ride and kinda gross. Sometimes they leave you in the room alone and you operate the water instrument yourself. If you're not a trained professional, it's like body building without a trainer or a spotter. It's a lot of money for minimal results.
The CLOSED SYSTEM COLONIC is the LIMOUSINE. All you do is lay on a nice clean massage table with a sterile tube in your butt. This tube is a one time use disposable, no one but you will experience it. There's no mess or smell or exposed waste. The water gently and comfortably trickles into your large intestine until the whole five feet fills up. (not just the last 5-10 inches like in the open system)
Anything that doesnt belong in your colon, such as excess acid, mucous, plaque (looks like black tar) or parasites will neatly roll out of you into the tube and go through an instrument that transfers it into a pipe that rolls right into the sewer system like a toilet or sink would dispose of waste water. The clean water pumped into your colon NEVER crosses with the waster water passin through the instrument. (the LIMO)
Many times a closed system costs even less than an open system! I'm amazed when I hear the prices these people charge for YOU doing most of the work. Imagine pushing out poop for 45 minutes! Exhausting and gross. You don't even get to read and relax. A closed system colonic is somtimes so relaxing you might even fall asleep and dream about the poop fairy making your tummy all sparkly clean.
Colon hydrotherapy on a closed system can be very rehabiliative if done properly by an experienced well trained, gifted in the healing arts therapist. So if you're calling around about prices ask the place weather they use an open or closed system. I'd hate for you to have a shitty experience--the "bad" kind of shitty, that is.
I highly recommend the closed system over the open system colonic. Why drive yourself on a moped when you can get there in a limo?
|Posted on August 8, 2014 at 8:15 PM||comments (0)|
Dear Poop Nerd,
Why do I get constipated and bloated when I travel and fly a lot? I usually have good bowel movements. I poop two or three times a day. But OMG...when I get on a plane and travel, weather its for business or vacation, when I fly on a plane I get constipated or bloated. Then I'm supposed to enjoy my trip, but instead I'm freaking out because I can't poop and my stomach is sticking out. I feel like my stomach blows up ever time I travel. Whats up with that and is there any way to prevent bloating when I travel?
Too Much Gut Baggage
Since I'm a colon therapist with an office right next to the John Wayne airport in Orange County California, many of my clients are business travelers and flight attendants who have to fly every week and want to avoid feeling all jacked up when they reach their destination.
Reason you feel bloated and/or constipated when you fly is because the change of altitude causes dehydration in your digestive tract. Your organ tissues literally lose several liters of water when your body goes up into the high altitudes. If you have mucous in your colon that blocks your ability to absorb water, then you will still be dehydrated even if you drink water while you travel. If you're not absorbing water properly, you will just pee out most of the water you drink. For example, if you drink 5 glasses of water and there is a lot of mucous lining the walls of your colon, the mucous blocks the absorption and you'll just run to the rest room and pee right after you drink. Then, when you go into the altitudes, there are tiny gas bubbles in your body that just dissipate and the water in your organ tissue evaporates.
Your intestines are 70percent water. If the organ tissues of your intestines are dehydrated from flying they don't move full range of motion and a lot of pressure builds up, which is why people feel bloated or get constipated when they travel.
So what can you do about it? Have a colonic before you fly to re-hydrate your organ tissue and prepare it for the change of altitude. With adequate hydration, you will reach your destination, feel great and be able to take a normal dump and never get constipated on your trip.
Here are my travel tips to avoid bloating and constipation:
1- Get a colonic before you fly (don't wait till you come back. You want to enjoy your vacation, right?)
2- Bring the following supplements with you when you travel: DigestMax ultra Enzymes, ColonMax, and CleanseMax made by Advanced Naturals. These high quality products are NOT laxities, but they will support your body to prevent constipation and bloating and keep you moving regularly when you travel on business trips or vacation.
|Posted on December 7, 2013 at 4:19 AM||comments (0)|
Dear Happy Crapper,
I tried a colon cleaning kit once and the experience was HORRIBLE! Why do people think that drinking gross tasting shakes with fiber and clay in them is good for you? Ewwww! I felt like gagging, and it sent my guts on a roller coaster of constipation and runs all day. WTF?
Most colon cleansing products on the market--even the ones at the best health food stores are out-dated, old fashioned "BULK AND BLOW" wastes of money.
This old idea from the 1990's and earlier was to "BULK" up the colon with fiber and Blow it out with a really strong herbal laxative. My advice is...dont' do it!!!
They are over priced, over-rated, and very harmful to your guts.
A lot of people who call themselves health coaches and naturopaths...and even famous doctors still promote these lame, old school cleansing kits that you should NEVER buy or try. Most of the time, the bentonite clay gets stuck in your colon (its supposed to "draw" out toxins, but it usually gets lodged in the twists and turns of you colon and never comes out). You get horrible cramps and you have to run to the bathroom or have an explosion in your pants. Imagine what happens if you're at work or in a traffic jam! OMG!
Just know this...ANYTHING you put into a dehydrated colon will get stuck in there if the tissues your colon is made of does not contain enough water. The only way you can re-hydrate a colon that's low on water is to get a colonic or two.
The BEST cleanse is just drinking freshly made vegetable juices. If you buy a cleanse kit make sure it does NOT contain psyllium, bentonite clay, senna, or cascara segrada (these are dangerous herbal laxatives that destroy the muscle tone of your colon and makes your colon weak. A lot of what you read and what people tell you is OLD, OUTDATED 20th century thinking. Hello, it's been the 21st century for over a decade...
|Posted on September 8, 2013 at 12:12 AM||comments (0)|
Dear Happy Crapper,
My husband used to be insanely hot--WHEN he was my boyfriend. But now, after we've been married for fifteen years, he looks like he is 9 months pregnant. He acts like it doesn't bother him, but I know he just doesn't want to deal with the fact that unlike me, who got rid of my big fat stomach by giving birth to a baby--not a FOOD BABY, an ACTUAL BABY--my husband still looks like he's ready to give birth any minute. No matter what he does, he cant get rid of that big round hard-as-a-rock stomach, no matter how many times he works out at the gym and how many crunches he does. Dude...that CAN'T be BEER! Is there any way he can get rid of his enormous stomach?
Bitchy about Beer Belly
Sorry to hear about your formerly hot husband's growing gut. You're right about one thing, that fat round stomach is NOT all beer. What I'm about to say is pretty gross...but it's VERY important if you want your husband to be healthy and live a long life, and not drop dead on you if he drops his car keys and has an instant heart attack trying to pick them up off the floor. I'll break it down for you.
How does a guy get a big fat gut?
A big round stomach (particularly on men, but woman can get it too) is caused by the colon getting congested with several pounds thick black rubbery intestinal plaque. Plaque is caused when the colon gets dehydrated. The skin the colon is made of--the "tissues" does not squeeze out all of the poop when its dehydrated. It just squeezes half way. So when a person poops, not all of it comes out. The waste that is still sitting in the pockets of the colon becomes hard and sticks to the walls of the colon. It's thick and hard and rubbery, sort of like modeling clay or car tire rubber and does NOT come out in the toilet. It will NOT come out if a person takes a laxative. If you try to get rid of plaque by taking metamusil or fiber products, it will just get stuck in there and make the gut BIGGER. Anything you put into a dehydrated colon will get stuck in there, because it just won't squeeze all the way.
THATS NOT STOMACH FAT, ITS ACID AND INFLAMMATION
Why is a beer belly rock hard and not soft? Fat is soft and you can pinch it. But a beer belly is not made of fat. The average person who has never had a colonic is walking around with 8 to 20 pounds of gunk in their colon. The gunk, the intestinal plaque is very acidic and poisonous. It causes the surrounding organs to swell up with fluid to protect themselves from this highly toxic stuff. If a colon gets punctured and that plaque gets into the blood stream, it usually kills a person instantly or they go into a coma. Its BAD STUFF...so the swelling will keep the person alive, even though it makes them look like they swallowed a bowling ball.
Notice how the stomach is perfectly round, smoothe and hard? It's as if you blew up a water balloon. The fluid is called inflammation.
How to Get Rid of Your Gut by Cleaning Your Colon
When your colon is full of gunk and inflamed, it expands and pushes your stomach up toward your lungs and your heart. It's hard to breathe when you have a gut, an you also can get high blood pressure because your stomach is bumping up toward your hearty, which puts a big strain on it. Thats also how a person can suddenly drop dead. Their heart just cant handle the pressure of being jammed by a stomach. When you get colon hydrotherapy, or colonics, the treatment cleans out the plaque and hydrates your colon so it can squeeze out ALL the waste again and not get all congested and full of gunk.
You Can't re-hydrate a Congested Colon by Drinking Water alone
Drinking a ton of water will just cause you to pee more often and your liver to flood. The average person with a big fat beer belly is typically missing as much as 30 liters of water. The fastest and most effective way to replace missing water in the lining of the colon is by getting a colonic. If you have a fat gut and its making you miserable, the easiest way to get rid of it is by going on a a juice cleanse with colonics.
I hope this helps!!
|Posted on June 14, 2013 at 3:25 AM||comments (0)|
Dear Happy Crapper,
I can't figure out why I get constipated and bloated when I take my anti depressants. Once I had surgery and the same thing happened when I took pain medication. It seems like any time I take medication, I can't poop. Right now I feel alot of bloating. Every time I eat, I feel like throwing up or it feels like it's coming back up. What's the deal with that? The more medication I take, the more I feel like I'm totally blocked up.
Medicated and Not Moving
Mideication causes constipation and bloating because your digestive system creates enzymes only to break down food. If you swallow something thats NOT a FOOD, your colon really doesnt know what to do with it, so the waste from your undigested medication (the part your body doesnt use) just gets stored in those pockets on the walls of your colon that look like balloons. Those pockets are called the diverticula. When the diverticula get full of undigested residue, they get dehydated and cant squueze out the waste. Literally your colon can't squeeze all the way. It just squeezes half way. So when you poop, not all of it comes out. Thenyou get backed up. And when you get backed up with old poop, it starts feeding into your blood stream. Then you get a toxic overload. So not only do you feel constipated, but you also get a toxic overload, which throws your hormones out of whack and makes you even more depressed. Then your antidepressant medication stops working and you have to take a stronger one. By now youre probabalytotally confused and wondering what the hell I'm talking about.
Basically your medication constipates you. Then the constipation causes toxins from waste to leek into your bloodstream. The best way to feel BETTER and start pooping at LEAST once or twice a day is to hydrate your colon with a colonic. Then once a year do a 30 day colon cleanse with Cleanse Max and fresh juice. I dont sell products, but I have to say that Cleanse Max really gets all the old sludge out of your guts. Ideally you should be pooping two or three times a day. But if you're skipping days thats BAD. If you take medication and get constipated, be sure to drink plenty7 of water and fresh juice, get a colonic every month if possible. To avoid a plaque build up, once a year do a cleanse kit that does not contain Senna or Cascara Segrada. Do NOT take herbal laxitives. This an out dated idea and very 20th Century. Even though those herbs are "natural" they irritate the colon and make the condition worse. They essentially ruin the muscle tone of your colon so it cant move on its own, and you end up having to depend on that stuff to have regular bowel movements. Throw that junk in the garbage and get Cleanse Max made by Advanced Naturals. This is the only decent cleansing kit I've seen on the market that works great and isn't expensive. Its easy to use and it will clean all that medication residue out of your colon and keep it moving regularly while you're on you're on meds.
Get Happy by Taking a Crappy
The Happy Crapper