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Advanced Colonics of Orange County

Colon hydrotherapy with reflexology for digestion help


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Can I Get a Colonic if I'm Pregnant?

Posted on May 6, 2013 at 7:17 PM Comments comments (2414)
Dear Happy Crapper,
     I'm four months pregnant and I'm constipated like CRAZY!! The thought of 5 more months not being able to poop is freaking me out. Can I get a colonic?  
Back Up Momma 
Dear Momma,
Unfortunately, it would not be prudent to get a colonic during pregnancy due to all kinds Of liability issues, even if it's simply irrigating your colon with water. I would, however recommend getting a colonic immediately after you have recovered from childbirth to avoid post partum depression. If you have been constipated during your pregnancy and you are now breast feeding, toxins that accumulated in your colon will show up in your breast milk and in your blood stream. Your baby would have better quality breast milk if your blood is free of toxic overload. So how does your blood become toxic if you dont have bowel movements during the months of gestation?
The colon is like an engine of a car. It not only gets rid of waste, but it also distributes fuel to your blood stream via small holes I like to call "fuel lines". If the pockets in the colon are clogges with old waste, which we call intestinal plaque because it becomes black and rubbery---the colon will re-distribute that waste from your preganancy back into your blood as if it was fuel. 
Most people don't  realize that the colon not only eliminates waste but Also distributes water and nutrients into the blood stream. If all those pockets in your colon are congested with gunk, which would be mucous, old waste and acid--that stuff will filter into your bloodstream and breast milk if the body does not eliminate it 100%.
So if you can't get a colonic until you have the baby, how can you keep your bowels moving regularly during pregnancy? The best way to poop every day and avoid constipation and bloating while you're pregnant is by drinking fresh juice you make yourself or made at a juice bar. These juices should be made of cucumber, celery, parsley, spinach and anything green. To make it taste better you can add apple, pineapply or honeydew melon. Fresh juice will also keep your blood clean and alkaline, which will help your baby develop with plenty of minerals and nutrients.  I would not recommed putting a bunch or raw vegetables in a Vitamix and drinking a smoothie made with raw vegteables if youre constipated during pregnancy. All that raw fiber will get stuck in your colon. Fresh juice has very little fiber, but it breaks up congestion and plaque.
Dont forget to get a colonic after you give birth. Colon therapy will also help remove residue from anesthesia or other medications that the digestive system cant break down. Yes, medication constipates you. But more about that in my next blog.
Congrats on the new baby, and hopefully after you give birth you can take an epic dump and feel awesome.
The Happy Crapper

How to Cure Your Hemorrhoids Fast

Posted on March 16, 2013 at 3:33 AM Comments comments (1030)
Dear Happy Crapper,

My hemorrhoids are killing me. I'm always miserable and in pain. I feel like I sat on a Rhino's horn. It's bad. I tried all the products in the store and none of them work. Doctors have told me that the only solution is surgery. That sounds even more horrible than my butt being impaled on a wrought iron fence. Is there any way I can get rid of these recurring roids? 

Butt Hertz

Dear Hertz,

You can heal your hemorrhoids naturally without surgery. Here's the fastest way to do it:

Buy these three items:

1 jar of TUCKS (cloth pads that are soaked in witch hazel)
1 box of KEY-E Vitamin E suppositories.
1 bottle of Intestinal Movement Formula made by Health Force Nutritionals

Put TUCKS & Vitamin E in the fridge, and let them chill.

At night before you go to sleep. insert 1 vitamin E suppository into your bottom. The vitamin E will heal the irritated area.

THEN place a gauze TUCK pad where the pain is at the anus, which will reduce the inflammation and itching. (do not use internally!) 

Take 7 Intestinal Movement Formula pills (they are very mild and will help you move smoothly. The are NOT laxatives or herbal colon cleansers or stool softeners. They just help your colon have a full and easy bowel movement without straining. 

Never push or strain when you have a bowel movement! 
Do not lift anything HEAVY while your hemmys are healing. Keep this regimen up until they're gonna and your healed. 

Trust works!!! 

The Happy Crapper

How I Avoid Colon Cancer?

Posted on February 28, 2013 at 10:38 AM Comments comments (2101)
Dear Happy Crapper,
Recently my father passed away of colon cancer. To be honest, I'm freaked out that some day I'll get this horrible disease. Is colon cancer hereditary? What can I do to prevent myself from getting it? 
Your truly,
Dear Freaked.
You have every reason to be upset and worried about colon cancer not only because it's in your family but also because this disease is the number TWO cause of death in the United States--no pun intended! Colon cancer the second largest cause of death in the United States. The number ONE cause of death is heart disease.  
So how can you avoid getting a jacked up colon? This may sound all too simple of an answer to your question, but I do have a simple answer for you. KEEP THAT PUPPY CLEAN and HYDRATED.
What do I mean by that? Simply said, the colon is like a snake. It's five feet long and it is supposed to squeeze all the poop out when you have a bowel movement. That's why they call pooping a bowel MOVEMENT. However, if there's not enough water in the actual walls of your colon, it's not going to squeeze hard enough, and not all the waste will come out.
When the walls of your colon; the tissues don't have enough water content the colon gets congested and clogged it withholds waste and mucous. Then, with a clogged congested colon, the water level in the walls decrease and the pockets of your colon (the diverticula) get jammed up with nasty poisonous waste that eventually leaks into your blood stream and creates an acid environment in your organs, your blood and in your colon.  Cancer cells grow and multiply in an acid environment. Cancer cells die in an alkaline environment.
When the colon itself organ becomes low on water --it's a lot like the much the engine of your car doesn't run properly we it's low on oil. If your colon is gunked up with mucous, acid and plaque, you cant rehydrate yourself by simply drinking water. If the colon cant absorb water you'll simply drink a bunch of water and pee it out immediately.
A colonic does two things. A colonic replaces then missing water in the walls of your colon. Once your water level is where it should be, it will squeeze out all kind of nasty stuff that doesn't belong in there. A toxic colon is a perfect environment for cancel cell to develop.
Getting a colonic is pretty much the same as getting an oil change on your car. Top off the fluids and get out the gunk. Do it every season. Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. Eat healthy and drink a reasonable amount of water, and your gut will stay  clean and healthy.
All Best,
 The Happy Crapper

Why Am I Constipated?

Posted on October 26, 2012 at 3:14 PM Comments comments (624)
Dear Happy Crapper,
I eat really healthy, I drink water, I work out and I always make sure I have a sh*tload of veggies with my meals. All this stuff is supposed to make you go regularly, but at least twice a month I get constipated. What's up with that? I constantly feel like I have to go but nothing comes out!! Seems like the only time I feel like going is when I'm shopping. If it wasn't for public restrooms I'd be up sh*ts creek without a paddle. Can you tell me why I'm constipated even if I do all the right things?

Yours Truly,
Locked and Loaded

Dear Loaded,
Did you know that your colon is hard wired to your brain? There's a bunch of nerves and message centers that connect your gut to your brain. Your colon gives your brain messages like.."hey I need fuel! Go get something to eat! Or..HEY! Poop is coming down the pike! Head for the restroom!! Did you know that your colon is designed to physically "lock up" when your brain is busy strategizing, solving problems, trying to figure out the answers to something, or worrying?

The reason your colon "locks up" to stop the progress of poop coming down the pike is because a long long time ago before modern civilization and modern toilets, a person could lose their life while taking a dump. When the very first humans inhabited the earth, they didn't have a nice safe restroom where you can lock the door, relax and just let rip. They had to squat outside like everybody else on the food chain. And of course, if your out there in the open squatting and some animal or person tries to attack you while you're having a bowel movement, you can't put up your hand as say, "Hold your attack! I'm taking a crap!"'d be very vulnerable if your colon insisted on finishing its business instead of locking up so you could run for your life and save yourself.

Well now, in modern society...our colon picks up those same "I need to handle something" brain waves, which generate a "control/fight/flight" impulse when we are stressed.  If you have a stressful job, or you're going through a move, relationship problem, loss of a loved one, parenting issues..or a huge learning curve ---don't be surprised if you get constipated. It's your colon locking up until you finish handling or resolving the urgent matter at hand.

So how do you "unlock" the colon? Colon hydrotherapy alone wont do that. In fact, you';d be very uncomfortable if a colon therapist tried to pump water into a locked up colon. In my business we call this a strictured colon. Reflexology directly on the abdomen dilates and activated the colon so it untangles and starts moving again. So if you're going through something like this....

Get a colonic
Breathe deeply through your nose and exhale through your mouth.
Make sure you do something that's fun and doesn't involve your brain! (like...Dancing, sports, sex, laughter, socializing etc)
AVOID thinking about important stuff before going to sleep. If you review your "to do" list before bed, you'll go to sleep with a locked up colon. Believe me....the most important thing to do is to poop every day. If you don't it stays in your gut and your body starts feeling on its own waste...and then you'll literally feel like sh*t. 

All best,
The Happy Crapper

I Have an Awesome Life! But Why am I Depressed?

Posted on October 19, 2012 at 9:41 PM Comments comments (1344)
Dear Happy Crapper,
        My life is amazing. I have great friends, a supportive family, I'm financially in good shape. All is well in my world except for one thing. I'm depressed as hell. Why am I depressed? 
Somebody told me that depression could be linked to constipation and problems in the colon. Is that true?  If so, what can I do about it?

Bummed Out

Dear Bummed,
Have you ever asked yourself this question: What is the cause of depression?  We all know the obvious reasons...your body doesn't produce enough serotonin and dopamine, the body's natural hormones that enable you to cope with life's ups and downs. BUT my question is ...what is CAUSE of not enough serotonin and dopamine? According to recent studies, the toxic build up in the colon can disrupt the production of these hormones if too much of the body's own waste filters into the bloodstream. Think of your colon like you'd think of an engine in a car. It not only gets rid of waste, but it also distributes fuel to your body. If those pockets in your colon are congested with too much mucous and old waste, your body will start to toxify itself (in other words....feed on its own waste)  I know what you're thinking: EEEEEwwwwwww!!!!

But the good news is...once that crap is out of you... you'll be amazed at how different you feel!

All Best
The Happy Crapper

If I Drink Water all day, how could I be Dehydrated?

Posted on September 27, 2012 at 8:16 PM Comments comments (939)
Dear Happy Crapper,  I drink--like--a gallon a day of water and my skin is dry, I'm not pooping and I feel tired as hell. I read that dehydration is one of the causes of all those symptoms. But how could I be dehydrated if I drink water all day? Help!

Pooped and Not Pooping 

Dear Pooped,
It's great that you're drinking all that water. But the question is...are you ABSORBING the water you drink?  Or are you drinking water then running right to the bathroom and peeing it out?  Here are some good questions to ask yourself:
"What is going on in my colon? Why am I tired? Why am I constipated? Why do I feel bloated? After I have a bowel movement why do I still feel like I didn't go enough?  My answer to these questions would be:
Maybe my colon is NOT distributing the water I drink to my body, and maybe my colon is also low on water because I may not be ABSORBING the water I drink.

Dude, no Sh*t!! Yes...if your body is not absorbing all that water you're drinking there will be no sh*t.  How does this happen? 

If there is too much acid in your colon, it will start pumping out mucus to defend itself from a hole getting blown in it. That mucus then clogs the little pores on the walls of your colon where absorption takes place and a lot of the water you drink can't get into your system. Your small intestine also helps distribute water and nutrients, but very few people think of the colon as an "engine" that distributes your water and fuel.  We all know it's the thing that makes you poop. But the bottom line is, your colon can't function properly if the walls are not hydrated, and your body is less than 70% water. This includes absorption, waste elimination and energy.
If your body is not 70% water, you will be dehydrated, and possibly feel sluggish, bloated or constipated...and some people find themselves with depression and anxiety.  When the colon is clean, and there is enough water in your body, you'll be amazed at how different you feel.

What is the quickest way to get hydrated?  If you can't absorb the water you drink, get a colonic. Colonics are called colon hydrotherapy because they re-hydrated your colon and your body and this treatment also removes excess acid, mucous and any other gunk that's not supposed to be in there. If you decide to try it, I recommend visiting a trained, certified professional. 

If you're reading this and you're not in the Orange County California or Los Angeles area where I practice, look up a certified colon therapist in your area and try it.

I hope you feel better soon!
The Happy Crapper

The Happy Crapper

Posted on August 12, 2012 at 7:29 PM Comments comments (709)
How to Boost Your Energy and Happiness with Colon Cleansing!

Kitty Marteen, CT By Kitty Marteen, CT

                If you were a car, what make and model would you be? I think I’m a 1987 Mercedes 560. My engine is well built, powerful and fast. But it’s a gas guzzler. And it’s expensive to maintain. I’d like to be a Chevy Volt or a Honda all-electric clean energy car as soon as possible.

If you were a car, would you drive every year without ever changing your oil or topping off your fluids?  When a car gets low on water it overheats. If there’s gunk in the engine, it has trouble getting fuel. It has lousy gas mileage and slow pick-up.

How is your pick-up? How much fuel do you need to feel supercharged? Are you feeling low on energy? Are you less perky than you used to be?  Even if you eat healthy do you still feel a little tired or sort of bloated? You might be low on water and have gunk in your engine.
Your colon is your engine. Not only does it expel toxic waste, your colon distributes fuel (water & nutrients) to your body.

If your colon contains excess mucus, acid or plaque (old dried waste), you will not properly absorb the water you drink and the nutrients from the food you eat.
Range of body conditions that signal dehydration or a congested colon:

  • Constipation
  • Urge to Binge
  • Fatigue
  • Feeling boated
  • Brain fog
  • Depression
  • Anxiety

You wouldn’t think of driving your car without a clean engine and enough fluid. The fact is, cars need maintenance to last long and run well. And so do you!
Regular colon hydrotherapy (colonics) keeps your energy supercharged, and your mood happy. Keeping your colon clean can also help to prevent health problems from occurring over time.